In these three posts I've so far written (which I'm now making into a series) about the reasons why siblings become abusive, I've not yet talked about one of the most important factors: uninvolved parenting. I've mentioned once or twice before that uninvolved parenting is the surefire way to ensure a family will experience sibling abuse. Regardless of the children's personalities. Even if the children born contain the least jealous, most flexibile, most confident, and generally nicest genes children can possess, if the parents are uninvolved, the older one--or the more aggressive or powerful one--will become an abuser. In other words: uninvolved parenting = sibling abuse, guaranteed. But what is uninvolved parenting? How do I know that parental uninvolvement is the key to creating sibling abuse? And, most importantly, why does parental uninvolvement cause sibling abuse?
These are wonderful questions that I am happy to answer. So first, let's define uninvolved parenting: This online article gives a nice summary of what it is. But if you didn't click on the link, I'll provide a nice summary for you. Uninvolved parents:
- are emotionally distant from their children
- provide little supervision for their children
- show little affection
- have few demands and low to no expectations for behavior
- are being neglectful
- are generally absent from their children's lives--don't attend parent-teacher conferences, school events, etc.
- may intentionally avoid their children
- can be too caught up in their own problems to pay attention to their children
As to why such parenting results in sibling abuse, there are several possible answers. The first one is that uninvolved parenting often yields insecurity in children, and children with low self-esteem are more likely to pick on others in order to build themselves up. But that's not the entire answer. I have seen a few different families where the parents were uninvolved, and the abusive sibling was not always insecure.
One of the ways in which I found my uninvolved parenting=sibling abuse formula was by observing one of my close friends, Maria and her interactions with her younger sister, Sasha. I met Maria when she and I were in elementary school. Maria was a lot like me; shy, quiet, friendly, and above all, nice. If you observed her in the classroom, on the playground, on the bus, with her friends, with her teachers, and with other classmates, you would never, ever, ever suspect that she was a bully at home. Ever. She, like me, was one of those good little girls in school. Always following the rules. Never speaking out of turn. Never doing anything at all to upset anyone.
She was quite a different way at home.
Before I get into that, however, I should tell you more about her life at home. I didn't suspect it then, but when I look back on our childhood together, I can spot some signs that Maria came from a home of uninvolved parents. Maria often came to school in mismatched clothing that fit her poorly. At our middle school, if a girl was caught wearing spaghetti straps, the administration would make her sport the oh-so-stylish, baggy, ugly "Drug Free" T-shirt from our school's version of the D.A.R.E. program for the rest of the day. We all owned some copy of this shirt at home, and Maria frequently wore it. Not because she was being punished. Because she had nothing else to wear.
I remember one weekend, Maria and I had made plans to see a PG-13 movie at our local movie theater. It was a big deal for us, because we were in either seventh or eighth grade and had just turned thirteen. When my mom dropped me off at the theater, I was surprised to see both Maria and Sasha standing in the movie theater lobby. Alone. No Mom in sight. Their mother had simply used Maria's and my get-together as an opportunity to get rid of both her daughters for two hours. What's more, Sasha is five years younger than Maria. At the age of eight, she was much too young to be seeing a PG-13 movie with us.
When I saw Maria and Sasha together, I often saw Maria picking on Sasha. For no good reason. I still remember how angry I felt whenever I saw Maria teasing Sasha and then Sasha recoiling in fear. She's not doing anything to you! I would think to myself. Why are you picking on her?
Maria and Sasha fit the textbook definition of sibling abuse: Sasha was always the victim, was frightened of Maria, and Maria was always the aggressor, always attacking with no provocation.
Was Maria insecure? Not even. I would say she was a little bit quiet, but she never gave off an aura of self-loathing like a lot of insecure people I know (and I am very good at reading people). No, Maria was a normal girl with average self-esteem. It wasn't self-hatred that drove her to pick on her (much younger, much smaller) sister.
So what was it then? What drove Maria to become an abuser? What did her uninvolved parents have to do with it?
I believe that when parents are uninvolved, they open the doors to an evil little monster lurking in all of us, and especially in children: the power-hungry ego. When children are almost completely unsupervised, when there are no consequences for their actions, when their parents are hardly ever home, there is nothing stopping their power-hungry egos from bursting out. When they see someone younger and smaller than they are, it is just too tempting to exert their power over this defenseless creature. Power feels good, after all. As I've said before, there is almost nothing we like better than having our egos stroked. And when there are practically zero repercussions for making ourselves powerful in a negative way, we go ahead and do it. Because, especially to a small child, if it feels good, it means they should do it.
Now, in this case, there actually were repercussions. Sasha grew up. And she was angry. And she dished back to Maria everything Maria had ever served to her. And (to both my satisfaction and frustration), Maria protested loudly. At one point, I remember her saying to Sasha, "You verbally abuse me!" Oh does she? I remember thinking to myself, I wonder where she learned it from.
Today, the sisters have burned their old bridges and built new ones. And now they're best friends. I don't know the story behind what made them get to where they are today, but I'd like to think that Maria learned the errors of her ways, and apologized for them. I'd like to think that Sasha stomped her power-hungry ego to the ground, and then Maria closed the gates to the evil monster herself. If parents leave those gates wide open, something else will come along to teach the child to shut them.
When I saw Maria and Sasha together, I often saw Maria picking on Sasha. For no good reason. I still remember how angry I felt whenever I saw Maria teasing Sasha and then Sasha recoiling in fear. She's not doing anything to you! I would think to myself. Why are you picking on her?
Maria and Sasha fit the textbook definition of sibling abuse: Sasha was always the victim, was frightened of Maria, and Maria was always the aggressor, always attacking with no provocation.
Was Maria insecure? Not even. I would say she was a little bit quiet, but she never gave off an aura of self-loathing like a lot of insecure people I know (and I am very good at reading people). No, Maria was a normal girl with average self-esteem. It wasn't self-hatred that drove her to pick on her (much younger, much smaller) sister.
So what was it then? What drove Maria to become an abuser? What did her uninvolved parents have to do with it?
I believe that when parents are uninvolved, they open the doors to an evil little monster lurking in all of us, and especially in children: the power-hungry ego. When children are almost completely unsupervised, when there are no consequences for their actions, when their parents are hardly ever home, there is nothing stopping their power-hungry egos from bursting out. When they see someone younger and smaller than they are, it is just too tempting to exert their power over this defenseless creature. Power feels good, after all. As I've said before, there is almost nothing we like better than having our egos stroked. And when there are practically zero repercussions for making ourselves powerful in a negative way, we go ahead and do it. Because, especially to a small child, if it feels good, it means they should do it.
Now, in this case, there actually were repercussions. Sasha grew up. And she was angry. And she dished back to Maria everything Maria had ever served to her. And (to both my satisfaction and frustration), Maria protested loudly. At one point, I remember her saying to Sasha, "You verbally abuse me!" Oh does she? I remember thinking to myself, I wonder where she learned it from.
Today, the sisters have burned their old bridges and built new ones. And now they're best friends. I don't know the story behind what made them get to where they are today, but I'd like to think that Maria learned the errors of her ways, and apologized for them. I'd like to think that Sasha stomped her power-hungry ego to the ground, and then Maria closed the gates to the evil monster herself. If parents leave those gates wide open, something else will come along to teach the child to shut them.
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